In 2010 I transferred from Gloucester County College (now RCSJ) to Rowan University as an Education major. My first semester at the university went rather well, I received good grades and had a GPA around 3.2. Within a year later, my world came crashing down.
In mid-2009 a friend who I had been close to since kindergarten was admitted to CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia) with a chronic heart condition. At age 19 she needed a heart transplant. She was so weak and frail I could barely recognize her when I stopped by to visit. After a few month stay at CHOP she received her transplant in September and was discharged a few weeks later. Although she returned home her life was far from normal. Because she had a weakened immune system, everyone who visited her had to take extra precautions to prevent illness. If you were sick, or even suspected you may be sick, you were not allowed into the house. Even if you did not feel ill, it was crucial for everyone to use hand sanitizer upon entering the house.
I made sure I followed all of these precautions. The last thing I wanted was for my friend to get sick and it be my fault. I began to monitor my every move. I made sure my hands were always washed before going to her house, if I sneezed on my jacket sleeve I would change my outfit just to be safe. Soon I began to consider the cleanliness of my own home. What if she comes over in a few weeks when she’s better and she touches something in the house that isn’t clean and gets sick? Within the next few months these fears grew out of control. The fear became too strong.
I could not stop washing my hands and cleaning everything I owned. I was now a full-blown germaphobe. The fears grew and I was now concerned for my own health.
What if I don’t clean something right and I get sick?
What if I get someone else sick?
By the start of 2011 I had no choice but to leave Rowan. I was in the midst of a personal pandemic. I couldn’t be around other people: I couldn’t leave my house. I lost my job, friendships, my family’s trust, my self-esteem, and even 15 pounds from not eating. The anger and frustration was unreal. I became a slave to germaphobia.
Over the course of a few years with the assistance of therapy and medication, I was ale to curve my anxieties. In late fall of 2018 I made the decision to return to Rowan University to complete my degree. It was tough to come back. At first unhappy memories occasionally reappeared. But I was determined not to let the past effect me. Within three semesters I was able to bring my GPA back up to 3.4 and accepted into Sigma Iota Rho Honor Society. Things were really looking up for me: the past forgotten.
With the dawning of this Covid-19 pandemic it feels like déjà vu. This time it is not a personal pandemic but an actual pandemic. There is literally a virus out there that has the potential to harm thousands. We must take germaphobic precautions to ensure the safety of family and ourselves. Phrases such as “you’re your hands” and “practice social distancing” is forced upon us about 100 times a day. People are afraid to leave their homes and cannot see their loved ones. Since I am still taking prescription medications, it seems like everyone around me is panicking over germs while I remain calm. I guess that it is a good thing that I am not paranoid, but sometimes I wonder if the medications are making me to calm and not allowing me to take this as serious as I should. But this also does not mean that I am used to this sort of behavior either. The frustration and loneliness still get to me like everyone else. I worked so hard in the past to curb these actions and behaviors and yet it is now become the new normal. Nearly a decade later I have no choice but to face another pandemic, only this time is not a pandemic that only exists in my mind. It is lurking all around my friends, my co-workers, my classmates and my neighbors and myself. It is an invisible enemy out there that is waiting for one of us to make a mistake and “not clean something well enough”.
It once again seems like there is no end in sight. But eventually there will be an answer to end this crisis. I once thought there was no end to my personal pandemic but then after a long, dark time I was able to find a “cure”. I must remind others and myself that this too shall pass.
I must prevail again.
I will not become a slave to germaphobia, again.
Stean's Beans 